A Captain's Satire: The Shadowy 32% Are Undermining American Elections with Fraud Denial

Topic: Elections

Despite more than two years of evidence to the contrary, millions of Americans are still living with the belief that Joseph R. Biden was legitimately elected in the period beginning November 3, 2020 and persisting for weeks beyond that date.  Some say these election fraud deniers are undoing the fabric of the United States and undermining confidence in the general public’s belief that human beings possess the intelligence to preserve a functioning, post-Dark Ages society.

The Scoop

Rasmussen published stunning numbers in May showing an astounding 32% of likely voters do not believe widespread election fraud impacted the 2020 presidential election results, certified as a Biden victory with 306 electoral votes to President Donald Trump’s 232.  A depiction of those results is below:

This mind-blowing information means that there are roughly 50 million likely voters who believe the 2020 election was legitimate.  6% of those surveyed chose to throw their proverbial hats in the “not sure” ring, inching ever closer to linking positions with the 62% of likely voters who do believe the 2020 election was ripped off by electile dysfunction, a social and political disorder first diagnosed by a chief election denialist in Texas that occurs when:

1)         There is difficulty maintaining an election

2)         The election lasts for longer than four days

3)         Participants have a sudden, severe, and noticeable loss of interest in voting

4)         In extreme cases, occurrence of premature inauguration

Studies show many Americans still harboring this debunked belief are also likely to wear surgical masks that contain fabric gaps larger than virus spores, with boxes clearly marking them insufficient for disease prevention, even after key government officials, including Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, have ceased wearing them and even given the “all clear” to the American public, now that the 2020 election steal is more than two years in the rear-view mirror.  Rasmussen’s work also keys in on 16% of self-described Republicans who believe the election results as certified, and likely touches the same group that believes candidates like Kari Lake should be voted against for criticizing the feckless, unaccomplished, warmongering, bloodthirsty, vindictive, shallow, emotionally stunted, soy consuming, puppy kicking McCain faction of the Arizona Republican Party.  Many of these voters are likely to support the surprise candidacy of Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, which can only exist if people can be convinced Trump’s “loss” to Biden was legitimate, which would imply a replacement candidate who can somehow win in 2024 is needed.

These voters, the core coalition of the fledgling Biden re-election effort, are also measured in polls as possessing extreme America Last tendencies, including, but not limited to, endless foreign wars, charity to Ukraine at the expense of the American taxpayer, overuse of the phrase “our principles,” a prevailing belief that the ideology known as conservatism has actually conserved anything of the America their ancestors loved, and creation of piss-poor journals espousing any of the aforementioned views or behaviors.

America’s weak link, the 32% in the ranks of election fraud deniers, fail to understand the following ten simple tenets of the 2020 election that broadcast a Trump victory:

1)         Trump somehow became the first incumbent president since Cleveland in 1888 to gain votes (11 million plus) and lose.

2)         Trump won 18 of 19 bellwether counties that have aligned with the winner of every election since 1980 (and would have won the other in a fair election), but somehow lost.

3)         Trump won the bellwether states of Florida, North Carolina, Iowa, and Ohio, becoming the first candidate of either party to carry all four states and somehow lose, breaking a predictor that had been accurate since 1896, before the formation of Major League Baseball, and the onset of the Spanish-American War.

4)         Biden’s 2020 rallies couldn’t attract stink to a fart, while Trump’s shook the earth, literally.

5)         The obvious beating Biden was receiving on election night in the key midwestern states, which stopped when Fox News called Arizona, was indicative of the true thrashing that awaited those seeking to extend lockdowns and resurrect failed trade deals that had cratered that region for decades.

6)         Kamala Harris’s laugh alone should have cost the ticket millions of voters.

7)         Real voters wouldn’t turn away a surging economic agenda that suffered only when lockdowns began.

8)         An overwhelming majority of Americans were pleased that the executive branch, for once, wound down old wars and didn’t plan to star new ones.

9)         After nearly five full decades in politics, to believe Joe Biden would suddenly be a viable presidential candidate representing the old order at 78 years old is the very definition of stupidity.

10)       Biden family corruption placed the United States in peril as far back as his Vice Presidency, and the news about Hunter was out during the time of the election.

Conclusion

Still, these unfortunate voters, whom scientists doubt can be cured, pop up periodically.  Though they can’t explain why there are no “Build Back Better” hats, they will still remind you while defending Biden’s legitimacy that Trump failed to earn the votes of enough Republicans, who clearly crossed over for Biden, even after harshly opposing Obama-Biden in 2012.  This is easily debated:

“Trump Didn’t Get Enough Republican Votes.”

-Trump had record Republican gains throughout nearly every Republican stronghold in every Republican State, and in Democrat States.  If Republicans didn’t vote for Trump, where did those votes come from - Independents?

“Well, Trump Was Hated by Moderates and Independents.”

-I’ve heard that too, but if he gained 11 million votes and set records in Republican counties without Republican votes, does it mean Democrats were responsible for the huge gains for Trump?

“Uhhhh… Russia…”

-If Trump’s gain of 11 million votes came primarily from Democrats, and there are record Republican vote gains in Republican counties, then how did Joe Biden get 81 million votes while dropping every key indicator, bellwether, trend, and predictor that is valid since 1888?

“You’re a racist Nazi!”

Conclusion

If you or someone you love is living life as an election fraud denier, advise them to seek counsel immediately.  While America is still on the fence about expedited shots, popular support for a vaccine curing election fraud denialism has tremendous majority support; unfortunately, no such vaccine is in production, and the only known cures are to implement the 10 Points to True Election Integrity, shut off the media virus by cutting the cord and reading independent journalism, and listen to your favorite election truthers, like the one below:

Author’s Note: This satirical piece is littered with truths and reflects the type of articles that should be written if the media did their jobs to inform the public and hold government accountable.  That is my main mission – and I need your help to keep after it.  While this piece is written to lift spirits and be available for all subscribers at time of publication, I would be grateful if you would join the ranks of paid subscribers to this journal, which for the price of a cup of coffee at Starbucks will give access to all written content and audio recordings for an entire month.  Thank you!